Attention everyone reading this post at this moment in time: you are two seconds away from losing everything that’s important to you. Your freedom, your liberty, your care-free American lifestyle, your TiVo, your Big Macs, your goddamn Celebrity Fit Club – it’s all about to go up in smoke. There are things out there that want nothing more than to strip you of these precious things, things that make life worth living. And I’m not talking about terrorists or government conspiracies. The things I’m discussing are in your daily lives: at the office, on your television, perhaps even in your own home. Don’t worry: I’m here to give you the heads-up on these threats so you can watch your ass. And your balls. You’re gonna want those later.
1. Kathy Griffin – She’s out there, day in and day out, lowering the comedy standards of the American public. People are now so confused about what’s funny and what’s not that they are actually rewarding this lady. That’s right – we’re celebrating someone whose main comedy vehicle is derived from pointing out how unpopular she is. And we gave her an Emmy. Watch out for this snake in the grass. Before you know it, she’ll be guest-appearing on Last Laugh ’08, and the only ones laughing will be the terrorists.
She’s everything you could ever want. She’s beautiful, smart, great in bed, frugal. She cooks you dinner without a stiff reminder, she cleans the bathroom naked. She’ll cheer for your favorite football team and keep you stocked in beer. She even has both her legs. Basically, she’s the perfect wife. Except you aren’t married. You’re not even dating. She’s actually dating someone far better-looking and much more deserving than you. Let’s face it: you’re not much of a catch. You probably live in a shitty basement apartment and feed yourself with bulk-bought Ramen. The way you style your hair is anything but trendy. You haven’t bought new clothes in almost a decade, and you haven’t washed them in a month. Oh, and your CD collection includes En Vogue. You fucking loser.
Friend, don’t fret. She can be yours. All it takes is dedication, perseverance, a few sly moves, and determination. In a nutshell, you have to get her pregnant. This is not as hard as it sounds. If you can get a little “You Jr.” growing inside her uterus, she’s yours to own forever. Trust me: nothing makes a woman love you more than knocking her up. She’ll thank you for it. After, you know, all the screaming and stuff.
I’m going to give you a few tips on how to make your dreams come true. After reading this handy guide, you’ll have everything you need to bag the beauty.