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What to Expect When You’re Expecting (But She’s Not)

She’s everything you could ever want. She’s beautiful, smart, great in bed, frugal. She cooks you dinner without a stiff reminder, she cleans the bathroom naked. She’ll cheer for your favorite football team and keep you stocked in beer. She even has both her legs. Basically, she’s the perfect wife. Except you aren’t married. You’re not even dating. She’s actually dating someone far better-looking and much more deserving than you. Let’s face it: you’re not much of a catch. You probably live in a shitty basement apartment and feed yourself with bulk-bought Ramen. The way you style your hair is anything but trendy. You haven’t bought new clothes in almost a decade, and you haven’t washed them in a month. Oh, and your CD collection includes En Vogue. You fucking loser.
Friend, don’t fret. She can be yours. All it takes is dedication, perseverance, a few sly moves, and determination. In a nutshell, you have to get her pregnant. This is not as hard as it sounds. If you can get a little “You Jr.” growing inside her uterus, she’s yours to own forever. Trust me: nothing makes a woman love you more than knocking her up. She’ll thank you for it. After, you know, all the screaming and stuff.
I’m going to give you a few tips on how to make your dreams come true. After reading this handy guide, you’ll have everything you need to bag the beauty.

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