10. Old English
Although it’s nearly impossible to trace down one aspect of this quality beverage that wrecks your anus; the wreckage is inevitable. A few 40 oz bottles in a few hours and you’re sure to regret it in the morning. Not necessarily proven, it is widely believed that there is a certain acid in the human stomach that can convert malt liquor into gooey fecal substance in a matter of minutes.
Consistency: Somewhere between chocolate pudding and a fudge-cicle.
Attention everyone reading this post at this moment in time: you are two seconds away from losing everything that’s important to you. Your freedom, your liberty, your care-free American lifestyle, your TiVo, your Big Macs, your goddamn Celebrity Fit Club – it’s all about to go up in smoke. There are things out there that want nothing more than to strip you of these precious things, things that make life worth living. And I’m not talking about terrorists or government conspiracies. The things I’m discussing are in your daily lives: at the office, on your television, perhaps even in your own home. Don’t worry: I’m here to give you the heads-up on these threats so you can watch your ass. And your balls. You’re gonna want those later.
1. Kathy Griffin – She’s out there, day in and day out, lowering the comedy standards of the American public. People are now so confused about what’s funny and what’s not that they are actually rewarding this lady. That’s right – we’re celebrating someone whose main comedy vehicle is derived from pointing out how unpopular she is. And we gave her an Emmy. Watch out for this snake in the grass. Before you know it, she’ll be guest-appearing on Last Laugh ’08, and the only ones laughing will be the terrorists.
|I’m only smiling because I can’t find my box cutter
Dear Mr. Kingston,
I would like to personally thank you for urging a generation of already drugged-up, eye-liner wearing, cheese-dick teenagers to commit suicide. I’ll repeat that: commit suicide. Yes, apparently in the world of today is some “beautiful girl” leaves your fat ass (which is inevitable), you’re supposed to kick the pickle. Hey, you could always try guys if these “beautiful girls” are giving your problems.
Look, I’ve spent a good amount of time trying to forget high school, so PLEASE stop reminding me just how stupid everyone in the institution is. Next time I hear your song blaring out of the window of a ’92 Corolla while I sit idly behind it at a green light because the driver can’t figure out how to put down her cell phone and step on the gas, I just might consider taking your advice and become “suicidal.”
She’s everything you could ever want. She’s beautiful, smart, great in bed, frugal. She cooks you dinner without a stiff reminder, she cleans the bathroom naked. She’ll cheer for your favorite football team and keep you stocked in beer. She even has both her legs. Basically, she’s the perfect wife. Except you aren’t married. You’re not even dating. She’s actually dating someone far better-looking and much more deserving than you. Let’s face it: you’re not much of a catch. You probably live in a shitty basement apartment and feed yourself with bulk-bought Ramen. The way you style your hair is anything but trendy. You haven’t bought new clothes in almost a decade, and you haven’t washed them in a month. Oh, and your CD collection includes En Vogue. You fucking loser.
Friend, don’t fret. She can be yours. All it takes is dedication, perseverance, a few sly moves, and determination. In a nutshell, you have to get her pregnant. This is not as hard as it sounds. If you can get a little “You Jr.” growing inside her uterus, she’s yours to own forever. Trust me: nothing makes a woman love you more than knocking her up. She’ll thank you for it. After, you know, all the screaming and stuff.
I’m going to give you a few tips on how to make your dreams come true. After reading this handy guide, you’ll have everything you need to bag the beauty.
Modern cinema has given us some fine memories over the years, arguably none more successful and ambitious as the Man vs. Animal theme, which embodies the lifelong struggle between man and beast. We’ll examine a few of the best executed examples of this.
Almost Heroes – Chris Farley vs. Eagle
JBot: Chris Farley teaches all of use an important lesson here: if you’re going to climb up a tree and steal eagle eggs, carry a gun. That is why man invented the gun, to prove our superiority to animals; in the form a bullet. Although I DO believe Chris’s reaction to the soaring eagle DOES ultimately help the situation. On a side note, I’ve got a strange craving for eagle now.
B_$: Possibly the greatest moment in surprised-face movie history, Chris Farley proves beyond a doubt why it is hilarious when an overweight man changes emotion rapidly. Then, following the rule of three, the gag is repeated twice, resulting in immeasurable awesomeness. Then I, also following the rule of three, punched myself in the dick three times in a spasm of laughter, resulting in immeasurable pain. Outcome: completely worth it.
Southern Illinois: Dance Squad
After a highly successful season, which resulted in a conference championship and an invite to nations, the Southern Illinois Dance Squad was eager to begin funding for the next season. A line of t-shirts was hastily printed and marketed. Not realizing the minor oversight until the printing had occurred, the dance team had no choice but to sell them, facing a unbearable dent in their funding.