The Bowling Factor

We’ve all been bowling. It’s an American past time; a great family-oriented, fun-filled night (or day) of fun. Some of the greatest athletes of our times have emerged off the professional bowling circuit. I know I, on more than one occasion, have day-dreamed about how glorious it would be to appear on the cameras of ESPN2 during the Pro Bowling Association championships.

figure A

Having said that, we’ve all been in the fairly uncertain predicament of deciphering that smile flashed by the cute girl in the next game, or the infamous mouthing of “that one was for you,” complete with finger gun (see figure A) from the guy across the alley. Well friend, do not fear; as usual, there is a scientific formula to help us determine if that special girl or guy is worth your time. Let’s take a closer look:

Formula to determine a girl’s hotness factor

( 5p + 2s + 0.5a ) / 100 = % of hotness

Where:
p = number of pins knocked down on any given ball
s = number of seconds the after-ball stance is held
a = age

We’ll make up a couple of imaginary examples to demonstrate how this works.

Say a young girl (23) throws a 7 on a ball and holds her stance for 2 seconds.
5(7) + ( 2(2) + 0.5(23) ) / 100 = .505 or 50.5%

Now, while 50.5% is nothing to laugh at, there’s still a sizable amount of room for improvement. There is a built in gene in males that causes stimulation based on how good the ball thrown was, not necessarily the physical appearance of the bowler.

Let’s take a look at another example, this time on seniors’ league night.

An experienced woman (74) throws a strike (10) and holds her immaculate stance for 3 seconds.
5(10) + ( 2(3) + 0.5(74) ) / 100 = .93 or 93%

Obviously, she’s a keeper. Keep your fingers crossed that she’ll bet her eyes in your direction. The years of experience coupled with the perfect ball would arouse even the shyest of men.


Formula to determine a guy’s hotness factor

5p + ( 1.5(40-w) + -0.5b ) / 100 = % hotness

Where:
p = number of pins knocked down on any given ball
w = waist size (sweatpants count as an automatic 50, regardless of actual size)
b = number of beers consumed

We’ll base a scenario on the most stereotypical of men in a bowling alley:
A man bowls a 9 (based on slightly higher averages than most women) and has had 8 beers so far, contributing to his size 44 waist.

5(9) + ( 1.5(-4) + (-.5)8 ) = .35 or 35%

35% may seem low, but you have to remember, women are not impressed by bowling ability (no one has figured out why not yet) and may actually care how a man looks and how drunk he is. Although this may seem completely unfair and ludicrous, it’s just the way the world works.

There’s much more to consider in the great fight of life, but know this: bowling can say a lot about a person. I wouldn’t be surprised if we end wars and settle world debts with a bowling game in the near future. That being said; guys, consider this: If you snag the woman before you’re drunk and switch to elastic waistbands, you should be golden. You can now go back to caring about the important things in life; like your bowling score.

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5 responses to “The Bowling Factor

  1. i’m taking up bowing! I needed to find an activity where age can actually be an advantage.
    With the limberness of my body I can hold that stance forever! ( it’s moving from it that’s the problem) C’mon down- meet me at the alley!

  2. so those mathmatical equations are mighty impressive. I thought about double checking your work, but then I realized I didn’t really care if it was accurate as long as it was fun. Cheers!

  3. this makes me glad I have never been bowling with you!
    I must say that I am pretty amazing at bowling!

  4. Well I’m definitely screwed on this one.
    haha.

  5. 74 year old chicks are sexy!!!

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