When the money’s on the line, it’s time for the stars to shine. The gloves are off, and it’s an all-out brawl. Only the strongest will survive, and the weakest will go home – bloodied, bruised, and shamefully humiliated. I’ve pitted the best of the best against each other, and the forecast calls for pain. BIG pain!
Vince Neil vs. Vince Young
One’s a rock-and-roll icon, the other’s an upstart football phemon. This battle’s outcome gains the winner sole property of the name “Vince.” Young has the physical edge, what with being a super-ripped athlete, but Neil brings the crowd and knows how to rock an arena. Refereed by, of course, Vince McMahon, this fight promises hard-hitting punches and a killer soundtrack.
B_$‘s Winner: Vince Young – Young comes in hard and fast with a relentless offensive attack while a semi-comatose Neil screams like a woman (on pitch, if you believe it). When the dust clears, the Titan of the Titans stands atop a fully-comatose, rocked-the-fuck-out Neil, who will need many appointments with Dr. Feel-Good to get back on his feet.
JBot’s Winner: Vince Neil – I’m basing this decision solely on the fact that if Vince Neil isn’t dead yet, nothing can kill him. I predict he will show up to the fight with blonde hair fully feathered. An awe-struck Young will have no recourse and be taken back by the retro/overweight style of Neil only to end up on the receiving end of a microphone stand to the cranium. As the fight draws to an end, Young can be overhead saying, “Who is that guy? No, seriously, I’ve never heard of him.”
Rosa Parks vs. Harriet Tubman
The Battle for Freedom. These two songbirds of the South are squaring off, and liberty is on the line. Despite the notable histories of the pair, only one can reign victorious as the Queen of Mean. And the best part is, no matter the outcome, America wins.
B_$‘s Winner: Harriet Tubman – Parks puts up a poor showing by simply refusing to leave her corner. Tubman takes advantage and executes her patented Underground Railroad attack, putting Parks in her place. When the dust clears, a victorious Tubman treats her fans to a free bucket of KFC.
JBot’s Winner: Harriet Tubman – Upon first entering the ring, both contenders simply refused to fight, but the addition of aforementioned bucket of KFC swept them into a panicked frenzy, resulting in a near-death beating for Parks, who was unable to withstand the constant blows from Tubman’s railroad-spike driver (little known fact: She insisted on carrying this around, even though the “underground railroad” was a figure of speech. She claimed it helped her “believe in the cause”). Apparently even civil rights icons have a thing or two to learn about sharing a bucket of delicious, extra-crispy chicken.
Hillary Swank in Million Dollar Baby vs. Hillary Swank in Boys Don’t Cry
A classic “horse-faced girl vs. awkwardly-feminine boy” battle, Swank vs. Swank may be the best fight yet. Behind the training of Clint Eastwood, MDB Swank will use a classic boxing style, while BDC Swank will most likely use a “confusing gender” technique. Both fighters really want this victory, as the prize is another Oscar.
B_$‘s Winner: Nobody – The two Swanks, in the heat of battle, come to the realization that no matter how many Oscars they win, no one will ever love either one. The fight ends in a gay sort of tie, and both fighters toss what’s left of their dignity in the trash and go back to shooting “The Reaping.” Of course, the real loser in this fight is Annette Bening.
JBot’s Winner: Everyone – A roid-raged MDB Swank become increasingly angry at BDC Swank for agreeing to portray a man/girl/thing earlier in her career. While on her way over to the opposing corner to administer a piss-pounding, she slips on the tear-soaked ring and manages to break her neck, thus causing the BDC Swank to cry more, not because of the somewhat questionable death (or her somewhat questionable appearance), but because she knows exactly where her career is heading. The trophy Oscar then melts for no apparent reason.
Ethan Suplee vs. Subway Jared vs. Star Jones
A battle to see who can lose the most weight. All three contests are allowed to use any means necessary – eating disorders, surgery, eating the other two, etc. An exciting fight, these combatants will have to pull out all the stops (and Burger King coupons) to win this one.
B_$‘s Winner: Star Jones – Suplee and Jared put up honorable fights, but the woman takes the cake (metaphorically). She slims down enough to the point that she’s semi-attractive, then sexes the pounds off the rest of the way. Suplee takes an early lead, but realizes that he can make far more movie money by playing the over-weight jokester fat guy. On a side note, Subway proves to cause jaundice, and Subway Jared becomes the new Syracuse mascot.
JBot’s Winner: Subway Jared – With his host of allies (and more notably, the absence of enemies) ranging from NASCAR drivers to top-tier athletes easily offers bribe-money to his gang to physically abuse him should he slip up and reach for Subway’s newly introduced “Lard Melt” which includes excess fat from Star Jones liposuction. He also offers Suplee bribe money to throw the contest, which Suplee remarkably accepts without slowing down from all-you-can-eat wing night at Buffalo Wild Wings.
Chris Carrabba vs. Andrew McMahon
Respective front men of Dashboard Confessional and Something Corporate, this promises to be an emo-off of the highest magnitude. Carrabba and McMahon are settling once and for all who hates life more. The winner gets to date thirty women and get dumped by all of them, plus an ensuing record deal. And a lifetime supply of mascara. Pain, tears, angst, humiliation, faux hawks, eye liner – this fight has it all.
B_$‘s Winner: Tie – In a totally unsurprising battle, Chris Carrabba spends the first part of the match screaming infidelities while Andrew McMahon makes out with a drunk girl. Afterwards, they both collapse into puddles of self-loathing and cry until the bell rings. Somehow, the video of the fight sells 32 million copies and takes the number one spot on TRL for 13 weeks.
JBot’s Winner: Cheese-dick teenagers everywhere – While not actually able to physically fight, the two contestants spend the entire fight exchanging emotional blows in the form of ex-girlfriend stories. After a sad realization that they may actually be the same person, Carrabba and McMahon team up and produce the number one selling record in the age group of 14 to I-only-wear-eyeline-because-I-can’t-express-myself-in-any-other-way-than-to-look-like-a-girl. Oh, and they start making out.
Michael Vick vs. Lassie
Every dog has his day. Taking place in a prison cafeteria, this battle is sure to have the stands rumbling. Armed with a toothbrush-turned-shank, Vick is heavily favored. However, Lassie’s docile heart and puppy dog eyes are sure to win over the crowd.
B_$‘s Winner: Lassie – This doesn’t end pretty. With fire in her eyes, Lassie goes straight for the jugular and drops Vick in a matter of seconds. In a few more seconds, Vick’s body is in pieces which Lassie takes a moment to urinate on what’s left of his face. Then, to add insult to injury, she throws the disemboweled corpse down a well. Sorry Vick, you had this coming.
JBot’s Winner: Vick (but on no doing of his own) – Both ready for a heated battle, they commence in a two day stare down, in which neither of them eats or sleeps. After a quick warm up, the fighters are both ready to go when a confused Timmy tearfully shows up and blasts Lassie to the great racetrack in the sky. Vick immediately collects his winnings of three cigarettes and a fruit cocktail while happily exclaiming “I won something!”
Joe Camel vs. The Marlboro Man
The arena’s about to go up in smoke. These two spokespersons are duking it out to find out once and for all who the better mascot is. To promote the fight, ticket booths will be giving the first 50 teenagers a free pack of smokes. You won’t want to miss this one – these two are going to light it up!
B_$‘s Winner: Emphysema – Sorry, kids. When you smoke, no one wins.
JBot’s Winner: Joe Camel – No one bothered to inform the fight coordinators that Mr. Marlboro died three years ago.
Santa vs. Osama Bin Laden
Not a fight to the death, mind you, but a good old-fashioned Beard-Off. Hands down, best beard wins. Santa has the edge, what will some-million years of growth on his holly jolly chin, but Bin Laden is a contender with the power of Satan behind him. Not terrorism allowed, no sack of tricks – mano a mano, chin-pube a chin-pube.
B_$‘s Winner: Santa – No one challenges Santa to a Beard-Off and comes out on top. NO ONE. Especially not some fun-loving sack-o-shit terrorist asshole. One for irony, Santa wins this one by flying a couple of paper airplanes into Bin Laden’s beard, causing it to collapse. Take that, terrorist!
JBot’s Winner: ZZ Top – Although not technically in the beard-off, we all know who the true winner of ANY beard-off would be. These guys once turned down a million dollar deal to shave their beards. Yeah, they’re that hardcore. I don’t see either Santa or Bin Laden being approached by Gillette for monetary beard-shaving offerings. ‘Nuf said.
Muhammad vs. Jesus
The main event – the Ultimate Showdown. Loser has to admit divine fraudulence. And work weekend shifts at a Kwik Star. One in a college town. A community college town. Like I said – the Ultimate Showdown.
Winner: Jesus – My lord and savior rocks this one, proving that a bearded dude in sandals ain’t nuttin’ to fuck wit’. Of course, Muhammad also sports a beard and sandals, but that’s completely erroneous. On both counts. Go Jesus!
JBot’s Winner: I’m not touching this one.