10. Old English
Although it’s nearly impossible to trace down one aspect of this quality beverage that wrecks your anus; the wreckage is inevitable. A few 40 oz bottles in a few hours and you’re sure to regret it in the morning. Not necessarily proven, it is widely believed that there is a certain acid in the human stomach that can convert malt liquor into gooey fecal substance in a matter of minutes.
Consistency: Somewhere between chocolate pudding and a fudge-cicle.
9. Schmidt’s Light
Any beer that’s been referred to as “Schmidt’s Gay” at one point will certainly make your stomach feel as though it’s been violated with a “Schmidt’s rubber fist.” That tight feeling in your gut that makes you wonder whether it’s stuck in or about to come out is sure to follow a “Schmidt’s” night. Make sure you’ve got a garbage can handy; just in case.
Consistency: Harder, small pellets. Think rabbit poop.
Whoever had the idea to combine energy drinks and beer should be heralded both as a genius and hanged as the single biggest threat to our sphincters. Unlike regular beer, which certainly has its share of drawbacks, these “energy beers” will make you believed you’ve just applied hot-sauce laced hemorrhoid cream. Combine this with a hangover, and you’re in for a hell of a morning.
Consistency: Oatmeal. Thanks to the orange color, it may slightly resemble hot sauce.
7. (Expired) Bud Light
Before we go any further, you may be asking yourself, “How does one get their hands on expired Bud Light?” Direct yourself to a bar called Malarkey’s in Storm Lake, Iowa, on any Wednesday night. You will be introduced to a new definition of pain, usually no more than just a few hours after consumption. Explosive in nature, many have fallen to the wrath of this beer while still inside the bar (on a related note, avoid this bathroom at all costs). On the upside, this beer is worth the whole nickel that you paid for it.
Consistency: Sometime referred to as the “chocolate shotgun.” Runny and explosive.
If you haven’t heard of this delightful beer, do yourself a favor and go the nearest liquor store and bitch them out for not having a case (it’s pretty much guaranteed that they won’t). While delicious and smooth going down, it comes out quite the same, with one tiny side effect; there’s little to no control over when this will happen. You could be anywhere: on a bar stool, on the dance floor, passed out on your couch. You just don’t know. Consume carefully.
Consistency: Appears much like dirty tap water. In fact, be wary next time someone hands you a glass of brown water, you can never be completely sure.
5. Steel Reserve (High Gravity)
Described by many simply as “Steelies,” one should analyze what situation led them to be drinking such a monstrosity. Immediately recognizable, not so much by the silver and red can, but by the awful stench that fills the nostrils once opened, this beer is the fastest acting of the bunch. Practically no sooner than it slides down your throat, it is ready to exit. This beer made the list not for the severity of release, but for the horrific experience before the release and the swiftness of action.
Consistency: Frighteningly similar to the look and feel of the actual beer. Try not to think about where they actually get the beer.
4. Natural Ice
The choice of many college students based solely on price, this beer exudes class. I’m a firm believer that cases of this beer should include a discount colonoscopy coupon. Stumping scientists for years, several cans of this somehow produce its own slime to worm its way out of your colon and into a fresh pair of underwear. This also deserves special notice as one of the smelliest stools one can possibly leave for your roommate on Sunday morning.
Consistency: Imagine brown play-dough soaked in melted butter.
3. Ice House
Ice House comes to us from the historic Plank Road Brewery. Although no direct correlation exists, I am convinced that the Plank Road Brewery used to be a water treatment facility. In a bold and dynamic move, the makers of Ice House may have actually reverse engineered this beer based on the shit it eventually produces, which comes out much like a 2×4.
Consistency: Hard, splintery. Keep some tweezers and a good friend near by.
2. Busch Light
Not necessarily the first name on everyone’s lips when it comes to this list, it is almost impossible to overlook. Although not a fan myself, it is my understanding that there are certain towns that serve strictly Busch Light (see Cascade, Iowa). Similar to expired Bud Light in the morning, the main difference can be found in the lumpiness of the final product. Anyone who had spent a Tuesday morning discovering what it’s like to pass packing peanuts though your ass knows what I’m talking about.
Consistency: Ground beef stew. Not as tasty.
1. Milwaukee’s Best Ice
Known affectionately as “the Beast,” Milwaukee’s Best Ice takes the coveted crown as Worst Beer-Shit Beer. Hard yet soft, constipated yet explosive, this beer will be as confusing to your insides as scrabble is to President Bush. You better be prepared for a long day, as it’s wise to spend the majority of it on the throne. You will inevitably lose control and experience what is bound to feel like a softball exiting your anus. Grab yourself a Maxim and a leather wallet; you’ve just signed your day away.
Consistency: Nerf basketball. Complete with neon colors.