Attention everyone reading this post at this moment in time: you are two seconds away from losing everything that’s important to you. Your freedom, your liberty, your care-free American lifestyle, your TiVo, your Big Macs, your goddamn Celebrity Fit Club – it’s all about to go up in smoke. There are things out there that want nothing more than to strip you of these precious things, things that make life worth living. And I’m not talking about terrorists or government conspiracies. The things I’m discussing are in your daily lives: at the office, on your television, perhaps even in your own home. Don’t worry: I’m here to give you the heads-up on these threats so you can watch your ass. And your balls. You’re gonna want those later.
1. Kathy Griffin – She’s out there, day in and day out, lowering the comedy standards of the American public. People are now so confused about what’s funny and what’s not that they are actually rewarding this lady. That’s right – we’re celebrating someone whose main comedy vehicle is derived from pointing out how unpopular she is. And we gave her an Emmy. Watch out for this snake in the grass. Before you know it, she’ll be guest-appearing on Last Laugh ’08, and the only ones laughing will be the terrorists.
2. How to Catch a Predator – Chris Hanson is more of a threat to this nation than any of the perps arrested on his show. You can’t fool me, Chris. I know why you ask all those questions. Think about it: this guy has learned every trick to becoming the world’s greatest sexual predator. From condoms in the truck to a rock-solid alibi, our teens would never see Chris coming (please mind the double entendre). Parents, don’t let your kids watch this show. And if you happen to be in a room alone with Chris Hanson, be wary. The seat he’ll ask you to take may be a bit uncomfortable.
3. Bop It – We all remember this game. Bop it, twist it, pull it – we’ve had hours of entertainment with this seemingly harmless toy. But don’t be fooled. We can’t have cheap, plastic toys telling us what to do anymore. Remember when Bop It Extreme came out? You’re not just bopping anymore – now your spinning and turning and who-knows-what-else. And just you wait. Bop It Terrorist Edition is just around the bend. Pretty soon you’ll be bopping, pulling, twisting, and crashing planes into buildings.
4. The Gibson Robot Guitar – The title itself should make you shiver in your slippers. A robot guitar? If there’s one thing I know about robots, it this: robots are not our friends. I’ve seen enough movies to know this is true. “I-Robot,” “The Terminator,” “The Day the Earth Stood Still,” “Mr. Mom” – I’m not willing to let some renegade hunk of metal destroy our music industry. I’m leaving that in the hands of Simple Plan. Fags.
5. Popped Collars – This should come as no surprise. Hey Mr. Fratty McDudeSmootcher, what are you hiding under that upturned collar? Is it your closeted homosexual tendencies? Or is it A TERRORIST PLOT??? I don’t know, and I don’t want to be the one to find out. Collars were meant to conceal neckties, not weapons of mass destruction. Put ‘um down, y’all. For the good of America.
6. “The Land Before Time” Series – How many of these movies can they make? This just smells like terrorism to me.
7. Soulja Boy – It’s not a goddamn dance, okay? It’s like a seizure mixed with an awkward mating dance. The Macarena – THAT was a dance. The Electric Slide – THAT was a dance. The Hustle – THAT was a dance. This is bullshit. I hope the actual Superman kicks your ass for defamation of character. Lets see you dance your way out of that little pickle. And learn to fuckin’ spell.
8. NBC – Sure, they’ve supplied us with high-end programming for years, and they’re ratings are top-notch. But they’ve announced that this year will see the last season of Scrubs. Not cool, dudes. I was under the impression that Scrubs would be on the air until television becomes obsolete technology. And it should be. Who dares claim the power to cancel the greatest show on television? Terrorists – that’s who. I urge you all to do everything in your power to make sure Scrubs stays on the air until Zach Braff dies of cholera. Or dysentery – whichever Jews are more susceptible to.
9. Matthew Lesko – You know, that guy with the question-marked suit screaming about free money from government grants. I see him worming his way into commercial slots every now and then, and I can’t help but scorn the man. How can you trust a guy who would steal Jim Carrey’s suit from “Batman Forever“? And what about those question marks, Matthew? What are you hiding? What don’t you want us to know? Beware: there’s more to Mr. Lesko that meets the eye.
10. Rubix Cubes – The greatest puzzle ever conceived by human kind. Why are these things still notable? Why would anyone ever own something that makes them feel so stupid? Just looking at a Rubix Cube makes my head spin. And for those of you who CAN solve the cube – what did you gain from all that time spent? Are you a happier person because you’ve matched colors on all four sides of a fucking cube? It makes the blood boil. Mr. Rubix, your and your cubers are all enemies of the crown in my book.
There is so much to be wary of in this day and age. Hopefully I’ve opened your eyes to some of the greater threats that may rock your world in the near future. Don’t worry: if we all stand strong together, bleeding the good old red, white, and blue, we can make it through these troubled times alive.
Oh, one last note. Always watch out for Scott Stapp. ALWAYS.