An open letter to musicians of today

I’m only smiling because I can’t find my box cutter

Dear Mr. Kingston,

I would like to personally thank you for urging a generation of already drugged-up, eye-liner wearing, cheese-dick teenagers to commit suicide. I’ll repeat that: commit suicide. Yes, apparently in the world of today is some “beautiful girl” leaves your fat ass (which is inevitable), you’re supposed to kick the pickle. Hey, you could always try guys if these “beautiful girls” are giving your problems.
Look, I’ve spent a good amount of time trying to forget high school, so PLEASE stop reminding me just how stupid everyone in the institution is. Next time I hear your song blaring out of the window of a ’92 Corolla while I sit idly behind it at a green light because the driver can’t figure out how to put down her cell phone and step on the gas, I just might consider taking your advice and become “suicidal.”

I just got done trashing the truck one of my future boyfriends might buy

Dear Ms. Underwood,

Before I get any further, let me ask; WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? I wonder how many “pretty little four wheel drives” have been fucked up because of you? Although I’m sure we all need advice on how to commit felony acts with a coy little smile on your face, at least wait until after he cheats. I like to imagine things too, like your insanely irrational chorus not ruining every single karaoke night I’ll ever attend for the next three years, but sadly enough, that will never happen. At least the thoughts in my head don’t result in a repair bill.
All is not lost though; you’ve given me a new way to look at life: I will now assume everyone will eventually screw me over, and therefore impose consequential actions before this happens. “Hey baby, before you move in with me, put on 20 pounds, and start living off my money, I’ll just opt to dump your ass now. Look on the bright side, it’s socially acceptable to become suicidal over this now!”

My career is over when I run out of lip gloss

Dear Lil’ Mama,

We know your lip gloss is “poppin.” We also don’t care. That’s why we don’t know anything about you; we don’t want to.

P.S. I have no idea who gave you a record contract, but they should be shot.



2 responses to “An open letter to musicians of today

  1. Haha this is utterly amazing.

  2. Hilarious! Thanks for sharing. Cheers!

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