She’s everything you could ever want. She’s beautiful, smart, great in bed, frugal. She cooks you dinner without a stiff reminder, she cleans the bathroom naked. She’ll cheer for your favorite football team and keep you stocked in beer. She even has both her legs. Basically, she’s the perfect wife. Except you aren’t married. You’re not even dating. She’s actually dating someone far better-looking and much more deserving than you. Let’s face it: you’re not much of a catch. You probably live in a shitty basement apartment and feed yourself with bulk-bought Ramen. The way you style your hair is anything but trendy. You haven’t bought new clothes in almost a decade, and you haven’t washed them in a month. Oh, and your CD collection includes En Vogue. You fucking loser.
Friend, don’t fret. She can be yours. All it takes is dedication, perseverance, a few sly moves, and determination. In a nutshell, you have to get her pregnant. This is not as hard as it sounds. If you can get a little “You Jr.” growing inside her uterus, she’s yours to own forever. Trust me: nothing makes a woman love you more than knocking her up. She’ll thank you for it. After, you know, all the screaming and stuff.
I’m going to give you a few tips on how to make your dreams come true. After reading this handy guide, you’ll have everything you need to bag the beauty.
Don’t be silly; this isn’t the easiest thing in the world to pull off. You have to be smart. There will be a few things you have to do prior to the deed.
1. Get into the friend zone
It’s much easier to have sex with her if you know her. Unless you’re into the whole rape thing (this will come up later), it will help greatly if she’s familiar with your face. Learn a few things about her. Find out her name. Learn where she hangs out. Show up there and call her out by her name. Impress her with facts you’ve learned about her by digging through her garbage. Meet her friends and pretend to like them. Laugh at her jokes, then counter with a hilarious pun (women get uber-wet over puns). It’s helpful to tell her you already have a girlfriend, even though this is entirely untrue. That way, you can swap relationship stories and tips. Pretty soon you’ll be her boy on the side, her go-to guy, her “boyfriend away from her boyfriend.” From here, it’s only a matter of time before you’re her boy on the inside. Get it?
1. Prepare an impregnation kit
There are a few items that will help you when the time to perform arises. Get these ready before hand.
a. Perforated condoms – A sewing needle should take care of this. A few quick pokes in the tip and you’re good to go.
b. Between $50 and $100 – You’ll need this. Trust me.
c. Her gynecology records – Your chances of fertilization can only be helped by knowledge of her menstrual cycle. You’re going to have to steal these. Break into her house while she’s at work. While you’re there, make sure to visit her bathroom and swap out her birth control pills.
d. Roofies – Every well-laid plan includes a back-up plan. Yours should be no different.
The Night of Nights
Now that everything is ready, the moment is here. Here’s what needs to happen.
1. Set the back story
Call her and tell her you really need someone to talk to. Someone special. Tell her to meet you at a bar. This is crucial – you have to meet somewhere where they serve alcohol. I’ll explain later. While she’s on her way, get ready. Tousle your hair, muss your clothing, get a little drunk, look like you’ve been crying. If you’re a champion, actually cry. The point is that when she shows up you have to be ready with a sob story about how your girlfriend dumped you. Season it with detail about how broken your heart is and how undesirable you feel and how you’ll never love again. Basically, you have to come across as the saddest, pussiest, emo-iest loser in the world (probably not too much of a stretch). If you’re in the friend zone as far as you need to be, she’ll comfort you and tell you how sexy you are and how the bitch wasn’t good enough for you and a bunch of other things you don’t really need to listen to. After you’ve sufficiently lured her into the lie, throw out a line like this: “Fuck it. Let’s get drunk and forget about it.” Then it’s on.
2. Get her wasted
Keep those drinks a-flowin’. This is where the money comes in handy. You need enough to get her stumbling, speech-slurring, pants-falling-off drunk. As you’re both drinking, make sure to drop some conversational hints about how amazing and perfect and special she is. Tell her how lucky her boyfriend is to have someone so special. Explain how worried you are that there will never be a girl for you as special as she it. Basically, just use the word special a lot. Keep it light though. You can’t scare her away. Be subtle. Be funny. Fight the urge to grab her tits. Make it seems like you’re broken up about your “break-up.” In fact, if you could cry again, that would be swell. Just make sure you’re sober enough to execute the plan. And make sure she’s conscious when it’s time to leave.
3. Call a cab
You need to get her into a car, but you don’t want either of you two to drive. Depending on where you live, find the best possible way to do this. A cab is ideal because the driver doesn’t know you or care where you’re going or give a shit about how big of a pussy you’re acting like. When you’ve got her into the cab, send the driver to her house. Now it’s time to step up your game. She’ll probably be very sleepy at this point, so your words need to be direct and powerful. Making gentle contact (a hand on the arm or hand-to-hand works well), tell her how glad you are that she was there tonight. Tell her how she’s the only thing that’s holding the broken pieces of your heart together (remember – you’re acting totally emo right now). Quote a Dashboard Confessional song. Tell her how special she is. Cry some more. By the time the cab pulls up at her house, she’ll see you as an injured puppy in need of love and comfort. This is the most crucial moment. You need to convince her to let you crash at her place. Use this exact line: “Don’t make me go back home. I don’t want to be alone tonight.” If you’ve done everything right, this is guaranteed to work. If not, you’re going to have to think up some bullshit excuse to sleep at her place. You could say that you don’t have enough money to get back home, or you could say that your ex kicked you out and you don’t have anywhere to go. Keep in mind, the more elaborate your lie becomes, the higher the chance of failure. Keep it simple, do what you have to do regardless of the humiliation, and get inside that house.
4. The deed
When you get inside, it’s a matter of getting her into her bed without her making you sleep somewhere else. Just keep her talking. She should be drunk enough that she’s a little hazy on what’s going on, so just talk her all the way to the bedroom. Be casual – don’t let her know you plan on spilling your seed deep inside her. Once your heads hit the pillow, you’ve won. The groundwork you’ve laid will have her pants off in no time. You should have everything you need to make a baby; it’s all on you now. Oh, and don’t forget to enjoy the sex. You’ve definitely earned it.
5. The escape
When the morning arrives, you have to be a little sneaky. Make sure to wake up before she does, then sneak out as quickly as possible. Call a cab, call a friend, walk home – do whatever it takes to get away from there. You don’t want to have to deal with the after-sex conversation. In fact, if possible, you should probably avoid her for the next few weeks. The only contact you should have with her should be spam emails you send her about the evils of abortion. And make sure to let her boyfriend find out what a filthy cheater she is (do this anonymously – he’d definitely kick your ass if he knows it’s you). Then it’s all a waiting game.
6. The victory
Hopefully, you’ll get a phone call in a month or two with good news. Enough time will have passed that’s she’s no longer angry about breaking up her relationship. Besides, she knows it’s all her fault anyways. She’ll realize that you’re the perfect person to start a family with, and she’ll want you to move in with her tomorrow. Congratulations – you’re one lucky daddy.
From here, it’s all smooth sailing. She’ll have your kid, you’ll have your dream girl, and your kid will enjoy the benefits of a loveless marriage built on deception. If that’s not the American Dream, I don’t know what is.
*Side note: if your plan doesn’t work out the way it should, you can always rape her. It’s a solid option with little-to-no negative side effects.