I have one simple rule for buying a vehicle: if you can insert the word “anal” in front of your vehicle and the outcome is less than desirable, you probably shouldn’t own it. We’ll take a look at some of the more “interesting” offenders of this rule.
Nissan: Anal Rouge
The Nissan Rouge; new for 2008. Nothing screams “I have a sense of adventure; mostly for new and exciting objects to be inserted in my rectum” quite like the Rouge. Not only will your friends be mortified by your strange fantasies, but by purchasing this, you can say goodbye to any chance you have of ever going camping with your friends again.
Dodge: Anal RAM
The Dodge Ram: A longstanding tradition in the line of big things from Dodge, the Ram clearly states your position in this world as someone who prefers a blunt, no-nonsense approach. This, in turn, should caution your friends to rethink that offer you gave them to “climb on in.”
AMC: Anal Gremlin
The American Motor Company Gremlin: Although the company eventually went bankrupt, they first left us with some of the worst cars in the history of US automobiles. If you’re lucky enough to still lay claim to one of these beasts, congratulate yourself. Not only do you most likely remember what a Mogwai is, but you’ve conjured an irrepressible image of small, anal-dwelling creatures in all of our wandering minds. You probably named it Gizmo too. Sicko.
Ford: Anal Excursion
Ford Excursion: Webster’s Dictionary defines the word “excursion” as “a journey taken for pleasure.” Wow. If only you’d known the implications of your vehicle purchase. Next time, try not to let your subconscious desires seep out into the material world. Think back now; have you ever lost any friends after expressing “Hey man, I’ve got a GREAT idea.”
Ford: Anal Explorer (Exploder)
Ford Explorer (Exploder): This less-than-subtle indication of your wild side should be an immediate red flag to those you attempt to recruit for an “adventure.” Whether it be going to the grocery store, heading to the tanning salon, or even the erotic cake store, nothing says “I’m open the new things; and I DO mean open,” like parading this thing around town. Do the words “It’s got a back seat that folds down for, you know, whatever!” ever come out of your mouth? Rhetorical question.
Chevy: Anal Blazer
Chevrolet Trail Blazer: “What do I like to do in my free time? I like to make things go where they haven’t gone before (well, not THAT many times)!” Sound familiar? I’m sure it does. I overheard you saying this to a 12 year old boy yesterday. Grow a pair and dedicate yourself. Go buy an Excursion. You can only “blaze” a trail so many times before it’s not new anymore. After that, it’s just “a journey for pleasure.”
Ford: Anal Ranger
Ford Ranger: Not only do you prefer someone in uniform, but someone who’s outdoorsy and knows how to handle a (fishing) rod. Does your list of interests also happen to include, camping? In a remote section of the woods? With an undersized tent? Do you often tend to “forget” one of the sleeping bags? And the matches? I bet you’re well aware the body heat increases when combined too? PLEASE don’t ever ask me to go.
Ford: Anal Probe
Ford Probe: I would like to preface this by saying; WHY DID YOU BUY A PROBE? Not only does this imply all sorts of strange alien fantasies, but dude; YOU BOUGHT A PROBE. How’s this for a conversation starter at a bar? “How are you tonight? Can I get you a drink? Did I mention I own a Probe?” It may be small, but God Damn if you don’t know how to use it.