Modern cinema has given us some fine memories over the years, arguably none more successful and ambitious as the Man vs. Animal theme, which embodies the lifelong struggle between man and beast. We’ll examine a few of the best executed examples of this.
Almost Heroes – Chris Farley vs. Eagle
JBot: Chris Farley teaches all of use an important lesson here: if you’re going to climb up a tree and steal eagle eggs, carry a gun. That is why man invented the gun, to prove our superiority to animals; in the form a bullet. Although I DO believe Chris’s reaction to the soaring eagle DOES ultimately help the situation. On a side note, I’ve got a strange craving for eagle now.
B_$: Possibly the greatest moment in surprised-face movie history, Chris Farley proves beyond a doubt why it is hilarious when an overweight man changes emotion rapidly. Then, following the rule of three, the gag is repeated twice, resulting in immeasurable awesomeness. Then I, also following the rule of three, punched myself in the dick three times in a spasm of laughter, resulting in immeasurable pain. Outcome: completely worth it.
Saving Silverman – Steve Zahn vs. Raccoon
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vqMDvrVMBOg (FF to 6:05)
JBot: Mastering the art of pest removal is no easy task, especially should a large raccoon, seemingly impervious to tranquilizer, decide to latch onto your head. Steve takes it with pride and finesse though, only barely losing the fight. In a completely unrelated matter, it turns out that raccoons are vulnerable to the tires of my 1992 Oldsmobile.
B_$: There is nothing more awesome than a medium-sized mammal latching onto a human face. Digging its claws in, foaming at the mouth, growling with fervor – nothing could be funnier than the possibility of a man getting rabies. Zahn plays the part to perfection. Of course, Zahn’s character would have developed much further had he actually developed rabies, leading to the much funnier title, “Saving Steve Zahn’s Character From Rabies.” James Vanderbeek could have played the role of the rabies, and critics would cite it as his best work to date.
Me, Myself, and Irene – Jim Carey vs. Cow
JBot: There are rare events in one’s life where it’s acceptable to physically assault a bovine, but when one of those times presents itself, you can be sure hilarity will ensue. This scene demonstrates the most basic instinct of our human nature: to not take shit from animals. Sometimes a bullet doesn’t cut it and you have to take matters into your own hands via a rear naked choke.
B_$: Jim Carrey. A large cow. Wrestling moves. Aviator sunglasses. I dare anyone to find a more perfect combination of things. This demonstrates the art of combination comedy: any scene can only improve by adding an unlimited number of awesome ideas. For example – a lumberjack and a pirate fighting in the middle of a burning porn shop, using only flying jump kicks. Oh, and Jessica Alba’s there too. And she’s pregnant. By Jessica Biel. Awesome.
Deep Blue Sea – Sammy Jackson vs. Shark
JBot: You tell ‘em Sammy! This is what happens when man doesn’t fight. Animals hate people. Enough said. I bet Mr. Jackson gave that shark a hell of an upset stomach though.
B_$: They ate me! A fuckin’ shark ate me!! And it wasn’t even a real shark. It was some sort of retarded shark-frog-human-ostrich. This movie would have improved tenfold had Jackson, after digestion, eaten his way back out of the shark and lit a cigarette with laser vision.
Karate Bull Fighter – Sonny Chiba vs. Bull
JBot: Sonny Chiba, people should bow to you. How many people do YOU know that can karate-chop the horn off a bull? That’s right; I said karate-chop the horn off of a bull. In the equally impressive sequel, “Karate Bearfighter,” Sonny single handedly takes down a bear with only his hands. He is truly a man that knows his place in the animal kingdom: atop all the carcasses imprinted with his chop marks.
B_$: I’ll repeat: he karate-chops the horn off of a bull. Possibly the greatest feat a man can imagine. How many of us have dreamed us karate-chopping a bull into submission? All of us – that’s how many. I don’t even think PETA could argue against the sheer godliness of that scenario. Sonny Chiba, you are a legend. I can’t wait for next year’s “Karate AIDSfighter.” It’s sure to be a knockout.
Conan the Barbarian – Arnold Schwarzenegger vs. Snake
JBot: I would be willing to bet the future producers of “Anaconda” watched this clip and thought to themselves, “How could we have a bigger snake on a lower budget?” The figure in their head may have been approaching $10 at this point. Although it would be fun to stab a snake in the neck, watch it get pinned to a wall, hack off its head, and then watch it still slithering back half intimidate a half-naked woman. Sometimes you have to wonder whether smoking pot is required to be a screenwriter.
B_$: Back when Schwarzenegger was still “Ah-nold,” and before he was “Ah-nold I Made ‘Last Action Hero’ And Still Convinced The Californian Public To Elect Me Governor,” he was kickin’ ass as Conan. Back then, and still today, there was and is nothing cooler than watching a muscular man in a loincloth beat the shit out of a cheaply-made puppet. He goes to fucking town on that snake! And if I know anything about good old Ah-nold, he went to town on that naked chick too. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if his love-making was identical to his fighting style. Now I kind of feel bad for that chick.
Zombie – Zombie vs. Shark
JBot: When I think of bad-ass, I think of two things, zombies and sharks. Needless to say, this clip should have been the sole nominee for an eternity worth of Oscars for the category of Bad-Ass. If there was a single element that could have made this better, it would have been the inclusion of ZOMBIE SHARKS.
B_$: Woah there, Skipper. Zombie Sharks? There’s only so much awesomeness the human mind can take. Even the idea of a zombie fighting a shark is enough to give a man a throbbing erection. Seeing said idea onscreen sustains that erection for the duration of the scene and upwards of 20 hours after. If this movie included zombie sharks, a man’s erection would become so intense that it would explode, erupting hot cock sauce in torrents and impregnating every feminine person and item in the room. This would include my roommate and his insatiably homosexual love of Hannah Montana.
Ace Ventura: When nature Calls – Jim Carey vs. Fake Rhino
JBot: Although not technically an animal, the fake rhino that “births” Jim Carey is by far, the best Man vs. Animal scene ever recorded to film. It is so good, that I am considering building and navigating a fake rhino around the city as my main form of transportation from now on. Jim Carey, I salute you in your triumph over every species of animal; even the fake ones.
B_$: ‘Nuff said. Carrey strikes a second time, proving beyond a doubt that he is the king of comedy. I don’t know that I’ve ever laughed so hard in my life as I did at this scene. Good for you, Jim, and have a fun time explaining that one to your kids.