a REAL man

In the not-so-distant past, there lived a breed of man that was so raw, so utterly manly, that all other men wanted to be them, and all women (I do mean all of them) had an overwhelming urge to cook and iron for them. Most of you remember the likes of these men. From Charles Bronson to Clint Eastwood to Sean Connery; these were truly great examples of men to be looked up to. Their rugged and grizzled style embodied the very essence of manhood. With this being said, I beg the question, what the hell happened?

Fast forward to today. The current offering of so-called
heartthrobs appalls me. My teenage sister is left with no quality men to swoon over, instead having to settle for the likes of Zac Efron and Pete Wentz (even their names sound gay). I can’t even begin to express how wrong this is. Where are the guns? Where is the facial hair? These aren’t real men. I don’t know about anyone else, but I certainly don’t want to see the future generations of alpha males if the trend continues to decline at such a rapid pace. I’m fairly sure the dead corpse of Charles Bronson could kick Zac Efron’s ass (not something I want MY daughter idolizing).

So what can we remaining men do to reverse this effect? The answer is simple; regain manliness. Grow out those beards and mustaches. Show off that chest hair. Shoot things. Require the viewing of the complete James Bond catalogue annually (without bathroom breaks). In short, we need to reintroduce the world to what real men look like. If we all do our part, I think we can reverse this trend.

Oh, and incase you were wondering, Paula Cole is definitely ok in my book.

-Escort services around the country receive an immediate boom in business. As a result, sales of Penicillin and Vagicil reach record highs.

-Casinos collect millions of US dollars in increased revenue. America’s collective debt dramatically increases.

-Percent of homes below the poverty line that own a handgun significantly grows.

-Demand for the import of cocaine into the United States doubles. Crack production increases tenfold.

-Billions in child welfare remains unpaid.

-Numerous $600 beer and weed parties pop up on craigslist.com

-Milwaukee’s Best Ice brewery hires an additional 1000 employees only to lay them off a month later.

-The sale of grillz and small diamond-related jewelry slightly increases.

-Those in the upper crust of America, while not actually receiving a stimulus check, reaps all the benefits of the wasted financial gain of everyone that did. Also, they file several fake dependents, making it possible to receive several hundred dollars anyway.

-A month after the checks have been issued, the repo industry records the highest activity in history.

figure A

Having said that, we’ve all been in the fairly uncertain predicament of deciphering that smile flashed by the cute girl in the next game, or the infamous mouthing of “that one was for you,” complete with finger gun (see figure A) from the guy across the alley. Well friend, do not fear; as usual, there is a scientific formula to help us determine if that special girl or guy is worth your time. Let’s take a closer look:

Formula to determine a girl’s hotness factor

( 5p + 2s + 0.5a ) / 100 = % of hotness

Where:
p = number of pins knocked down on any given ball
s = number of seconds the after-ball stance is held
a = age

We’ll make up a couple of imaginary examples to demonstrate how this works.

Say a young girl (23) throws a 7 on a ball and holds her stance for 2 seconds.
5(7) + ( 2(2) + 0.5(23) ) / 100 = .505 or 50.5%

Now, while 50.5% is nothing to laugh at, there’s still a sizable amount of room for improvement. There is a built in gene in males that causes stimulation based on how good the ball thrown was, not necessarily the physical appearance of the bowler.

Let’s take a look at another example, this time on seniors’ league night.

An experienced woman (74) throws a strike (10) and holds her immaculate stance for 3 seconds.
5(10) + ( 2(3) + 0.5(74) ) / 100 = .93 or 93%

Obviously, she’s a keeper. Keep your fingers crossed that she’ll bet her eyes in your direction. The years of experience coupled with the perfect ball would arouse even the shyest of men.

Formula to determine a guy’s hotness factor
5p + ( 1.5(40-w) + -0.5b ) / 100 = % hotness

Where:
p = number of pins knocked down on any given ball
w = waist size (sweatpants count as an automatic 50, regardless of actual size)
b = number of beers consumed

We’ll base a scenario on the most stereotypical of men in a bowling alley:
A man bowls a 9 (based on slightly higher averages than most women) and has had 8 beers so far, contributing to his size 44 waist.

5(9) + ( 1.5(-4) + (-.5)8 ) = .35 or 35%

35% may seem low, but you have to remember, women are not impressed by bowling ability (no one has figured out why not yet) and may actually care how a man looks and how drunk he is. Although this may seem completely unfair and ludicrous, it’s just the way the world works.

There’s much more to consider in the great fight of life, but know this: bowling can say a lot about a person. I wouldn’t be surprised if we end wars and settle world debts with a bowling game in the near future. That being said; guys, consider this: If you snag the woman before you’re drunk and switch to elastic waistbands, you should be golden. You can now go back to caring about the important things in life; like your bowling score.

Vince Neil vs. Vince Young

One’s a rock-and-roll icon, the other’s an upstart football phemon.  This battle’s outcome gains the winner sole property of the name “Vince.”  Young has the physical edge, what with being a super-ripped athlete, but Neil brings the crowd and knows how to rock an arena.  Refereed by, of course, Vince McMahon, this fight promises hard-hitting punches and a killer soundtrack.

B_$‘s Winner: Vince Young – Young comes in hard and fast with a relentless offensive attack while a semi-comatose Neil screams like a woman (on pitch, if you believe it).  When the dust clears, the Titan of the Titans stands atop a fully-comatose, rocked-the-fuck-out Neil, who will need many appointments with Dr. Feel-Good to get back on his feet.

JBot’s Winner: Vince Neil – I’m basing this decision solely on the fact that if Vince Neil isn’t dead yet, nothing can kill him. I predict he will show up to the fight with blonde hair fully feathered. An awe-struck Young will have no recourse and be taken back by the retro/overweight style of Neil only to end up on the receiving end of a microphone stand to the cranium. As the fight draws to an end, Young can be overhead saying, “Who is that guy? No, seriously, I’ve never heard of him.”

Rosa Parks vs. Harriet Tubman

The Battle for Freedom.  These two songbirds of the South are squaring off, and liberty is on the line.  Despite the notable histories of the pair, only one can reign victorious as the Queen of Mean.  And the best part is, no matter the outcome, America wins.

B_$‘s Winner: Harriet Tubman – Parks puts up a poor showing by simply refusing to leave her corner.  Tubman takes advantage and executes her patented Underground Railroad attack, putting Parks in her place.  When the dust clears, a victorious Tubman treats her fans to a free bucket of KFC.

JBot’s Winner: Harriet Tubman – Upon first entering the ring, both contenders simply refused to fight, but the addition of aforementioned bucket of KFC swept them into a panicked frenzy, resulting in a near-death beating for Parks, who was unable to withstand the constant blows from Tubman’s railroad-spike driver (little known fact: She insisted on carrying this around, even though the “underground railroad” was a figure of speech. She claimed it helped her “believe in the cause”). Apparently even civil rights icons have a thing or two to learn about sharing a bucket of delicious, extra-crispy chicken.

Hillary Swank in Million Dollar Baby vs. Hillary Swank in Boys Don’t Cry

A classic “horse-faced girl vs. awkwardly-feminine boy” battle, Swank vs. Swank may be the best fight yet.  Behind the training of Clint Eastwood, MDB Swank will use a classic boxing style, while BDC Swank will most likely use a “confusing gender” technique.  Both fighters really want this victory, as the prize is another Oscar.

B_$‘s Winner: Nobody – The two Swanks, in the heat of battle, come to the realization that no matter how many Oscars they win, no one will ever love either one.  The fight ends in a gay sort of tie, and both fighters toss what’s left of their dignity in the trash and go back to shooting “The Reaping.”  Of course, the real loser in this fight is Annette Bening.

JBot’s Winner: Everyone – A roid-raged MDB Swank become increasingly angry at BDC Swank for agreeing to portray a man/girl/thing earlier in her career. While on her way over to the opposing corner to administer a piss-pounding, she slips on the tear-soaked ring and manages to break her neck, thus causing the BDC Swank to cry more, not because of the somewhat questionable death (or her somewhat questionable appearance), but because she knows exactly where her career is heading. The trophy Oscar then melts for no apparent reason.

Ethan Suplee vs. Subway Jared vs. Star Jones

A battle to see who can lose the most weight.  All three contests are allowed to use any means necessary – eating disorders, surgery, eating the other two, etc.  An exciting fight, these combatants will have to pull out all the stops (and Burger King coupons) to win this one.

B_$‘s Winner: Star Jones – Suplee and Jared put up honorable fights, but the woman takes the cake (metaphorically).  She slims down enough to the point that she’s semi-attractive, then sexes the pounds off the rest of the way.  Suplee takes an early lead, but realizes that he can make far more movie money by playing the over-weight jokester fat guy.  On a side note, Subway proves to cause jaundice, and Subway Jared becomes the new Syracuse mascot.

JBot’s Winner: Subway Jared – With his host of allies (and more notably, the absence of enemies) ranging from NASCAR drivers to top-tier athletes easily offers bribe-money to his gang to physically abuse him should he slip up and reach for Subway’s newly introduced “Lard Melt” which includes excess fat from Star Jones liposuction. He also offers Suplee bribe money to throw the contest, which Suplee remarkably accepts without slowing down from all-you-can-eat wing night at Buffalo Wild Wings.

Chris Carrabba vs. Andrew McMahon

Respective front men of Dashboard Confessional and Something Corporate, this promises to be an emo-off of the highest magnitude.  Carrabba and McMahon are settling once and for all who hates life more.  The winner gets to date thirty women and get dumped by all of them, plus an ensuing record deal.  And a lifetime supply of mascara.  Pain, tears, angst, humiliation, faux hawks, eye liner – this fight has it all. 

B_$‘s Winner: Tie – In a totally unsurprising battle, Chris Carrabba spends the first part of the match screaming infidelities while Andrew McMahon makes out with a drunk girl.  Afterwards, they both collapse into puddles of self-loathing and cry until the bell rings.  Somehow, the video of the fight sells 32 million copies and takes the number one spot on TRL for 13 weeks.

JBot’s Winner: Cheese-dick teenagers everywhere – While not actually able to physically fight, the two contestants spend the entire fight exchanging emotional blows in the form of ex-girlfriend stories. After a sad realization that they may actually be the same person, Carrabba and McMahon team up and produce the number one selling record in the age group of 14 to I-only-wear-eyeline-because-I-can’t-express-myself-in-any-other-way-than-to-look-like-a-girl. Oh, and they start making out.

Michael Vick vs. Lassie

Every dog has his day.  Taking place in a prison cafeteria, this battle is sure to have the stands rumbling.  Armed with a toothbrush-turned-shank, Vick is heavily favored.  However, Lassie’s docile heart and puppy dog eyes are sure to win over the crowd.

B_$‘s Winner: Lassie – This doesn’t end pretty.  With fire in her eyes, Lassie goes straight for the jugular and drops Vick in a matter of seconds.  In a few more seconds, Vick’s body is in pieces which Lassie takes a moment to urinate on what’s left of his face.  Then, to add insult to injury, she throws the disemboweled corpse down a well.  Sorry Vick, you had this coming.

JBot’s Winner: Vick (but on no doing of his own) – Both ready for a heated battle, they commence in a two day stare down, in which neither of them eats or sleeps. After a quick warm up, the fighters are both ready to go when a confused Timmy tearfully shows up and blasts Lassie to the great racetrack in the sky. Vick immediately collects his winnings of three cigarettes and a fruit cocktail while happily exclaiming “I won something!”

Joe Camel vs. The Marlboro Man

The arena’s about to go up in smoke.  These two spokespersons are duking it out to find out once and for all who the better mascot is.  To promote the fight, ticket booths will be giving the first 50 teenagers a free pack of smokes.  You won’t want to miss this one – these two are going to light it up!

B_$‘s Winner: Emphysema – Sorry, kids.  When you smoke, no one wins.

JBot’s Winner: Joe Camel – No one bothered to inform the fight coordinators that Mr. Marlboro died three years ago.

Santa vs. Osama Bin Laden

Not a fight to the death, mind you, but a good old-fashioned Beard-Off.  Hands down, best beard wins.  Santa has the edge, what will some-million years of growth on his holly jolly chin, but Bin Laden is a contender with the power of Satan behind him.  Not terrorism allowed, no sack of tricks – mano a mano, chin-pube a chin-pube.

B_$‘s Winner: Santa – No one challenges Santa to a Beard-Off and comes out on top.  NO ONE.  Especially not some fun-loving sack-o-shit terrorist asshole.  One for irony, Santa wins this one by flying a couple of paper airplanes into Bin Laden’s beard, causing it to collapse.  Take that, terrorist!

JBot’s Winner: ZZ Top – Although not technically in the beard-off, we all know who the true winner of ANY beard-off would be. These guys once turned down a million dollar deal to shave their beards. Yeah, they’re that hardcore. I don’t see either Santa or Bin Laden being approached by Gillette for monetary beard-shaving offerings. ‘Nuf said.

Muhammad vs. Jesus

The main event – the Ultimate Showdown.  Loser has to admit divine fraudulence.  And work weekend shifts at a Kwik Star.  One in a college town.  A community college town.  Like I said – the Ultimate Showdown.

Winner: Jesus – My lord and savior rocks this one, proving that a bearded dude in sandals ain’t nuttin’ to fuck wit’.  Of course, Muhammad also sports a beard and sandals, but that’s completely erroneous.  On both counts.  Go Jesus!

JBot’s Winner: I’m not touching this one.

Although it’s nearly impossible to trace down one aspect of this quality beverage that wrecks your anus; the wreckage is inevitable. A few 40 oz bottles in a few hours and you’re sure to regret it in the morning. Not necessarily proven, it is widely believed that there is a certain acid in the human stomach that can convert malt liquor into gooey fecal substance in a matter of minutes.

Consistency: Somewhere between chocolate pudding and a fudge-cicle.

9. Schmidt’s Light

Any beer that’s been referred to as “Schmidt’s Gay” at one point will certainly make your stomach feel as though it’s been violated with a “Schmidt’s rubber fist.” That tight feeling in your gut that makes you wonder whether it’s stuck in or about to come out is sure to follow a “Schmidt’s” night. Make sure you’ve got a garbage can handy; just in case.

Consistency: Harder, small pellets. Think rabbit poop.

8. Tilt/Sparks

Whoever had the idea to combine energy drinks and beer should be heralded both as a genius and hanged as the single biggest threat to our sphincters. Unlike regular beer, which certainly has its share of drawbacks, these “energy beers” will make you believed you’ve just applied hot-sauce laced hemorrhoid cream. Combine this with a hangover, and you’re in for a hell of a morning.

Consistency: Oatmeal. Thanks to the orange color, it may slightly resemble hot sauce.

7. (Expired) Bud Light

Before we go any further, you may be asking yourself, “How does one get their hands on expired Bud Light?” Direct yourself to a bar called Malarkey’s in Storm Lake, Iowa, on any Wednesday night. You will be introduced to a new definition of pain, usually no more than just a few hours after consumption. Explosive in nature, many have fallen to the wrath of this beer while still inside the bar (on a related note, avoid this bathroom at all costs). On the upside, this beer is worth the whole nickel that you paid for it.

Consistency: Sometime referred to as the “chocolate shotgun.” Runny and explosive.

6. Gluek

If you haven’t heard of this delightful beer, do yourself a favor and go the nearest liquor store and bitch them out for not having a case (it’s pretty much guaranteed that they won’t). While delicious and smooth going down, it comes out quite the same, with one tiny side effect; there’s little to no control over when this will happen. You could be anywhere: on a bar stool, on the dance floor, passed out on your couch. You just don’t know. Consume carefully.

Consistency: Appears much like dirty tap water. In fact, be wary next time someone hands you a glass of brown water, you can never be completely sure.

5. Steel Reserve (High Gravity)

Described by many simply as “Steelies,” one should analyze what situation led them to be drinking such a monstrosity. Immediately recognizable, not so much by the silver and red can, but by the awful stench that fills the nostrils once opened, this beer is the fastest acting of the bunch. Practically no sooner than it slides down your throat, it is ready to exit. This beer made the list not for the severity of release, but for the horrific experience before the release and the swiftness of action.

Consistency: Frighteningly similar to the look and feel of the actual beer. Try not to think about where they actually get the beer.

4. Natural Ice

The choice of many college students based solely on price, this beer exudes class. I’m a firm believer that cases of this beer should include a discount colonoscopy coupon. Stumping scientists for years, several cans of this somehow produce its own slime to worm its way out of your colon and into a fresh pair of underwear. This also deserves special notice as one of the smelliest stools one can possibly leave for your roommate on Sunday morning.

Consistency: Imagine brown play-dough soaked in melted butter.

3. Ice House

Ice House comes to us from the historic Plank Road Brewery. Although no direct correlation exists, I am convinced that the Plank Road Brewery used to be a water treatment facility. In a bold and dynamic move, the makers of Ice House may have actually reverse engineered this beer based on the shit it eventually produces, which comes out much like a 2×4.

Consistency: Hard, splintery. Keep some tweezers and a good friend near by.

2. Busch Light

Not necessarily the first name on everyone’s lips when it comes to this list, it is almost impossible to overlook. Although not a fan myself, it is my understanding that there are certain towns that serve strictly Busch Light (see Cascade, Iowa). Similar to expired Bud Light in the morning, the main difference can be found in the lumpiness of the final product. Anyone who had spent a Tuesday morning discovering what it’s like to pass packing peanuts though your ass knows what I’m talking about.

Consistency: Ground beef stew. Not as tasty.

1. Milwaukee’s Best Ice

Known affectionately as “the Beast,” Milwaukee’s Best Ice takes the coveted crown as Worst Beer-Shit Beer. Hard yet soft, constipated yet explosive, this beer will be as confusing to your insides as scrabble is to President Bush. You better be prepared for a long day, as it’s wise to spend the majority of it on the throne. You will inevitably lose control and experience what is bound to feel like a softball exiting your anus. Grab yourself a Maxim and a leather wallet; you’ve just signed your day away.

Consistency: Nerf basketball. Complete with neon colors.

- JBot

1. Kathy Griffin – She’s out there, day in and day out, lowering the comedy standards of the American public. People are now so confused about what’s funny and what’s not that they are actually rewarding this lady. That’s right – we’re celebrating someone whose main comedy vehicle is derived from pointing out how unpopular she is. And we gave her an Emmy. Watch out for this snake in the grass. Before you know it, she’ll be guest-appearing on Last Laugh ’08, and the only ones laughing will be the terrorists.

2. How to Catch a Predator – Chris Hanson is more of a threat to this nation than any of the perps arrested on his show. You can’t fool me, Chris. I know why you ask all those questions. Think about it: this guy has learned every trick to becoming the world’s greatest sexual predator. From condoms in the truck to a rock-solid alibi, our teens would never see Chris coming (please mind the double entendre). Parents, don’t let your kids watch this show. And if you happen to be in a room alone with Chris Hanson, be wary. The seat he’ll ask you to take may be a bit uncomfortable.

3. Bop It – We all remember this game. Bop it, twist it, pull it – we’ve had hours of entertainment with this seemingly harmless toy. But don’t be fooled. We can’t have cheap, plastic toys telling us what to do anymore. Remember when Bop It Extreme came out? You’re not just bopping anymore – now your spinning and turning and who-knows-what-else. And just you wait. Bop It Terrorist Edition is just around the bend. Pretty soon you’ll be bopping, pulling, twisting, and crashing planes into buildings.

4. The Gibson Robot Guitar – The title itself should make you shiver in your slippers. A robot guitar? If there’s one thing I know about robots, it this: robots are not our friends. I’ve seen enough movies to know this is true. “I-Robot,” “The Terminator,” “The Day the Earth Stood Still,” “Mr. Mom” – I’m not willing to let some renegade hunk of metal destroy our music industry. I’m leaving that in the hands of Simple Plan. Fags.

5. Popped Collars – This should come as no surprise. Hey Mr. Fratty McDudeSmootcher, what are you hiding under that upturned collar? Is it your closeted homosexual tendencies? Or is it A TERRORIST PLOT??? I don’t know, and I don’t want to be the one to find out. Collars were meant to conceal neckties, not weapons of mass destruction. Put ‘um down, y’all. For the good of America.

6. “The Land Before Time” Series – How many of these movies can they make? This just smells like terrorism to me.

7. Soulja Boy – It’s not a goddamn dance, okay? It’s like a seizure mixed with an awkward mating dance. The Macarena – THAT was a dance. The Electric Slide – THAT was a dance. The Hustle – THAT was a dance. This is bullshit. I hope the actual Superman kicks your ass for defamation of character. Lets see you dance your way out of that little pickle. And learn to fuckin’ spell.

8. NBC – Sure, they’ve supplied us with high-end programming for years, and they’re ratings are top-notch. But they’ve announced that this year will see the last season of Scrubs. Not cool, dudes. I was under the impression that Scrubs would be on the air until television becomes obsolete technology. And it should be. Who dares claim the power to cancel the greatest show on television? Terrorists – that’s who. I urge you all to do everything in your power to make sure Scrubs stays on the air until Zach Braff dies of cholera. Or dysentery – whichever Jews are more susceptible to.

9. Matthew Lesko – You know, that guy with the question-marked suit screaming about free money from government grants. I see him worming his way into commercial slots every now and then, and I can’t help but scorn the man. How can you trust a guy who would steal Jim Carrey’s suit from “Batman Forever“? And what about those question marks, Matthew? What are you hiding? What don’t you want us to know? Beware: there’s more to Mr. Lesko that meets the eye.

And finally…

10. Rubix Cubes – The greatest puzzle ever conceived by human kind. Why are these things still notable? Why would anyone ever own something that makes them feel so stupid? Just looking at a Rubix Cube makes my head spin. And for those of you who CAN solve the cube – what did you gain from all that time spent? Are you a happier person because you’ve matched colors on all four sides of a fucking cube? It makes the blood boil. Mr. Rubix, your and your cubers are all enemies of the crown in my book.

There is so much to be wary of in this day and age. Hopefully I’ve opened your eyes to some of the greater threats that may rock your world in the near future. Don’t worry: if we all stand strong together, bleeding the good old red, white, and blue, we can make it through these troubled times alive.

Oh, one last note. Always watch out for Scott Stapp. ALWAYS.

-B_$

I’m only smiling because I can’t find my box cutter

Dear Mr. Kingston,

I would like to personally thank you for urging a generation of already drugged-up, eye-liner wearing, cheese-dick teenagers to commit suicide. I’ll repeat that: commit suicide. Yes, apparently in the world of today is some “beautiful girl” leaves your fat ass (which is inevitable), you’re supposed to kick the pickle. Hey, you could always try guys if these “beautiful girls” are giving your problems.
Look, I’ve spent a good amount of time trying to forget high school, so PLEASE stop reminding me just how stupid everyone in the institution is. Next time I hear your song blaring out of the window of a ’92 Corolla while I sit idly behind it at a green light because the driver can’t figure out how to put down her cell phone and step on the gas, I just might consider taking your advice and become “suicidal.”

I just got done trashing the truck one of my future boyfriends might buy

Dear Ms. Underwood,

Before I get any further, let me ask; WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? I wonder how many “pretty little four wheel drives” have been fucked up because of you? Although I’m sure we all need advice on how to commit felony acts with a coy little smile on your face, at least wait until after he cheats. I like to imagine things too, like your insanely irrational chorus not ruining every single karaoke night I’ll ever attend for the next three years, but sadly enough, that will never happen. At least the thoughts in my head don’t result in a repair bill.
All is not lost though; you’ve given me a new way to look at life: I will now assume everyone will eventually screw me over, and therefore impose consequential actions before this happens. “Hey baby, before you move in with me, put on 20 pounds, and start living off my money, I’ll just opt to dump your ass now. Look on the bright side, it’s socially acceptable to become suicidal over this now!”

My career is over when I run out of lip gloss

Dear Lil’ Mama,

We know your lip gloss is “poppin.” We also don’t care. That’s why we don’t know anything about you; we don’t want to.

P.S. I have no idea who gave you a record contract, but they should be shot.

-JBot

Preparation

Don’t be silly; this isn’t the easiest thing in the world to pull off. You have to be smart. There will be a few things you have to do prior to the deed.
1. Get into the friend zone

It’s much easier to have sex with her if you know her. Unless you’re into the whole rape thing (this will come up later), it will help greatly if she’s familiar with your face. Learn a few things about her. Find out her name. Learn where she hangs out. Show up there and call her out by her name. Impress her with facts you’ve learned about her by digging through her garbage. Meet her friends and pretend to like them. Laugh at her jokes, then counter with a hilarious pun (women get uber-wet over puns). It’s helpful to tell her you already have a girlfriend, even though this is entirely untrue. That way, you can swap relationship stories and tips. Pretty soon you’ll be her boy on the side, her go-to guy, her “boyfriend away from her boyfriend.” From here, it’s only a matter of time before you’re her boy on the inside. Get it?

1. Prepare an impregnation kit

There are a few items that will help you when the time to perform arises. Get these ready before hand.

a. Perforated condoms – A sewing needle should take care of this. A few quick pokes in the tip and you’re good to go.

b. Between $50 and $100 – You’ll need this. Trust me.

c. Her gynecology records – Your chances of fertilization can only be helped by knowledge of her menstrual cycle. You’re going to have to steal these. Break into her house while she’s at work. While you’re there, make sure to visit her bathroom and swap out her birth control pills.

d. Roofies – Every well-laid plan includes a back-up plan. Yours should be no different.

The Night of Nights

Now that everything is ready, the moment is here. Here’s what needs to happen.

1. Set the back story

Call her and tell her you really need someone to talk to. Someone special. Tell her to meet you at a bar. This is crucial – you have to meet somewhere where they serve alcohol. I’ll explain later. While she’s on her way, get ready. Tousle your hair, muss your clothing, get a little drunk, look like you’ve been crying. If you’re a champion, actually cry. The point is that when she shows up you have to be ready with a sob story about how your girlfriend dumped you. Season it with detail about how broken your heart is and how undesirable you feel and how you’ll never love again. Basically, you have to come across as the saddest, pussiest, emo-iest loser in the world (probably not too much of a stretch). If you’re in the friend zone as far as you need to be, she’ll comfort you and tell you how sexy you are and how the bitch wasn’t good enough for you and a bunch of other things you don’t really need to listen to. After you’ve sufficiently lured her into the lie, throw out a line like this: “Fuck it. Let’s get drunk and forget about it.” Then it’s on.

2. Get her wasted

Keep those drinks a-flowin’. This is where the money comes in handy. You need enough to get her stumbling, speech-slurring, pants-falling-off drunk. As you’re both drinking, make sure to drop some conversational hints about how amazing and perfect and special she is. Tell her how lucky her boyfriend is to have someone so special. Explain how worried you are that there will never be a girl for you as special as she it. Basically, just use the word special a lot. Keep it light though. You can’t scare her away. Be subtle. Be funny. Fight the urge to grab her tits. Make it seems like you’re broken up about your “break-up.” In fact, if you could cry again, that would be swell. Just make sure you’re sober enough to execute the plan. And make sure she’s conscious when it’s time to leave.

3. Call a cab

You need to get her into a car, but you don’t want either of you two to drive. Depending on where you live, find the best possible way to do this. A cab is ideal because the driver doesn’t know you or care where you’re going or give a shit about how big of a pussy you’re acting like. When you’ve got her into the cab, send the driver to her house. Now it’s time to step up your game. She’ll probably be very sleepy at this point, so your words need to be direct and powerful. Making gentle contact (a hand on the arm or hand-to-hand works well), tell her how glad you are that she was there tonight. Tell her how she’s the only thing that’s holding the broken pieces of your heart together (remember – you’re acting totally emo right now). Quote a Dashboard Confessional song. Tell her how special she is. Cry some more. By the time the cab pulls up at her house, she’ll see you as an injured puppy in need of love and comfort. This is the most crucial moment. You need to convince her to let you crash at her place. Use this exact line: “Don’t make me go back home. I don’t want to be alone tonight.” If you’ve done everything right, this is guaranteed to work. If not, you’re going to have to think up some bullshit excuse to sleep at her place. You could say that you don’t have enough money to get back home, or you could say that your ex kicked you out and you don’t have anywhere to go. Keep in mind, the more elaborate your lie becomes, the higher the chance of failure. Keep it simple, do what you have to do regardless of the humiliation, and get inside that house.

4. The deed

When you get inside, it’s a matter of getting her into her bed without her making you sleep somewhere else. Just keep her talking. She should be drunk enough that she’s a little hazy on what’s going on, so just talk her all the way to the bedroom. Be casual – don’t let her know you plan on spilling your seed deep inside her. Once your heads hit the pillow, you’ve won. The groundwork you’ve laid will have her pants off in no time. You should have everything you need to make a baby; it’s all on you now. Oh, and don’t forget to enjoy the sex. You’ve definitely earned it.

5. The escape

When the morning arrives, you have to be a little sneaky. Make sure to wake up before she does, then sneak out as quickly as possible. Call a cab, call a friend, walk home – do whatever it takes to get away from there. You don’t want to have to deal with the after-sex conversation. In fact, if possible, you should probably avoid her for the next few weeks. The only contact you should have with her should be spam emails you send her about the evils of abortion. And make sure to let her boyfriend find out what a filthy cheater she is (do this anonymously – he’d definitely kick your ass if he knows it’s you). Then it’s all a waiting game.

6. The victory

Hopefully, you’ll get a phone call in a month or two with good news. Enough time will have passed that’s she’s no longer angry about breaking up her relationship. Besides, she knows it’s all her fault anyways. She’ll realize that you’re the perfect person to start a family with, and she’ll want you to move in with her tomorrow. Congratulations – you’re one lucky daddy.

From here, it’s all smooth sailing. She’ll have your kid, you’ll have your dream girl, and your kid will enjoy the benefits of a loveless marriage built on deception. If that’s not the American Dream, I don’t know what is.

*Side note: if your plan doesn’t work out the way it should, you can always rape her. It’s a solid option with little-to-no negative side effects.

   – B_$

Nissan: Anal Rouge

The Nissan Rouge; new for 2008. Nothing screams “I have a sense of adventure; mostly for new and exciting objects to be inserted in my rectum” quite like the Rouge. Not only will your friends be mortified by your strange fantasies, but by purchasing this, you can say goodbye to any chance you have of ever going camping with your friends again.

Dodge: Anal RAM

The Dodge Ram: A longstanding tradition in the line of big things from Dodge, the Ram clearly states your position in this world as someone who prefers a blunt, no-nonsense approach. This, in turn, should caution your friends to rethink that offer you gave them to “climb on in.”

AMC: Anal Gremlin

The American Motor Company Gremlin: Although the company eventually went bankrupt, they first left us with some of the worst cars in the history of US automobiles. If you’re lucky enough to still lay claim to one of these beasts, congratulate yourself. Not only do you most likely remember what a Mogwai is, but you’ve conjured an irrepressible image of small, anal-dwelling creatures in all of our wandering minds. You probably named it Gizmo too. Sicko.

Ford: Anal Excursion

Ford Excursion: Webster’s Dictionary defines the word “excursion” as “a journey taken for pleasure.” Wow. If only you’d known the implications of your vehicle purchase. Next time, try not to let your subconscious desires seep out into the material world. Think back now; have you ever lost any friends after expressing “Hey man, I’ve got a GREAT idea.”

Ford: Anal Explorer (Exploder)

Ford Explorer (Exploder): This less-than-subtle indication of your wild side should be an immediate red flag to those you attempt to recruit for an “adventure.” Whether it be going to the grocery store, heading to the tanning salon, or even the erotic cake store, nothing says “I’m open the new things; and I DO mean open,” like parading this thing around town. Do the words “It’s got a back seat that folds down for, you know, whatever!” ever come out of your mouth? Rhetorical question.

Chevy: Anal Blazer

Chevrolet Trail Blazer: “What do I like to do in my free time? I like to make things go where they haven’t gone before (well, not THAT many times)!” Sound familiar? I’m sure it does. I overheard you saying this to a 12 year old boy yesterday. Grow a pair and dedicate yourself. Go buy an Excursion. You can only “blaze” a trail so many times before it’s not new anymore. After that, it’s just “a journey for pleasure.”

Ford: Anal Ranger

Ford Ranger: Not only do you prefer someone in uniform, but someone who’s outdoorsy and knows how to handle a (fishing) rod. Does your list of interests also happen to include, camping? In a remote section of the woods? With an undersized tent? Do you often tend to “forget” one of the sleeping bags? And the matches? I bet you’re well aware the body heat increases when combined too? PLEASE don’t ever ask me to go.

Ford: Anal Probe

Ford Probe: I would like to preface this by saying; WHY DID YOU BUY A PROBE? Not only does this imply all sorts of strange alien fantasies, but dude; YOU BOUGHT A PROBE. How’s this for a conversation starter at a bar? “How are you tonight? Can I get you a drink? Did I mention I own a Probe?” It may be small, but God Damn if you don’t know how to use it.

- JBot

Almost Heroes – Chris Farley vs. Eagle
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Tq3cxPGnG0

JBot: Chris Farley teaches all of use an important lesson here: if you’re going to climb up a tree and steal eagle eggs, carry a gun. That is why man invented the gun, to prove our superiority to animals; in the form a bullet. Although I DO believe Chris’s reaction to the soaring eagle DOES ultimately help the situation. On a side note, I’ve got a strange craving for eagle now.

B_$: Possibly the greatest moment in surprised-face movie history, Chris Farley proves beyond a doubt why it is hilarious when an overweight man changes emotion rapidly. Then, following the rule of three, the gag is repeated twice, resulting in immeasurable awesomeness. Then I, also following the rule of three, punched myself in the dick three times in a spasm of laughter, resulting in immeasurable pain. Outcome: completely worth it.

Saving Silverman – Steve Zahn vs. Raccoon
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vqMDvrVMBOg (FF to 6:05)

JBot: Mastering the art of pest removal is no easy task, especially should a large raccoon, seemingly impervious to tranquilizer, decide to latch onto your head. Steve takes it with pride and finesse though, only barely losing the fight. In a completely unrelated matter, it turns out that raccoons are vulnerable to the tires of my 1992 Oldsmobile.

B_$: There is nothing more awesome than a medium-sized mammal latching onto a human face. Digging its claws in, foaming at the mouth, growling with fervor – nothing could be funnier than the possibility of a man getting rabies. Zahn plays the part to perfection. Of course, Zahn’s character would have developed much further had he actually developed rabies, leading to the much funnier title, “Saving Steve Zahn’s Character From Rabies.” James Vanderbeek could have played the role of the rabies, and critics would cite it as his best work to date.

Me, Myself, and Irene – Jim Carey vs. Cow
http://www.spikedhumor.com/articles/110292/My_Myself_and_Irene_Cow_Shooting.html

JBot: There are rare events in one’s life where it’s acceptable to physically assault a bovine, but when one of those times presents itself, you can be sure hilarity will ensue. This scene demonstrates the most basic instinct of our human nature: to not take shit from animals. Sometimes a bullet doesn’t cut it and you have to take matters into your own hands via a rear naked choke.

B_$: Jim Carrey. A large cow. Wrestling moves. Aviator sunglasses. I dare anyone to find a more perfect combination of things. This demonstrates the art of combination comedy: any scene can only improve by adding an unlimited number of awesome ideas. For example – a lumberjack and a pirate fighting in the middle of a burning porn shop, using only flying jump kicks. Oh, and Jessica Alba’s there too. And she’s pregnant. By Jessica Biel. Awesome.

Deep Blue Sea – Sammy Jackson vs. Shark
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HLGaTELIfHw

JBot: You tell ‘em Sammy! This is what happens when man doesn’t fight. Animals hate people. Enough said. I bet Mr. Jackson gave that shark a hell of an upset stomach though.

B_$: They ate me! A fuckin’ shark ate me!! And it wasn’t even a real shark. It was some sort of retarded shark-frog-human-ostrich. This movie would have improved tenfold had Jackson, after digestion, eaten his way back out of the shark and lit a cigarette with laser vision.

Karate Bull Fighter – Sonny Chiba vs. Bull
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HrFlfgQ5yQE

JBot: Sonny Chiba, people should bow to you. How many people do YOU know that can karate-chop the horn off a bull? That’s right; I said karate-chop the horn off of a bull. In the equally impressive sequel, “Karate Bearfighter,” Sonny single handedly takes down a bear with only his hands. He is truly a man that knows his place in the animal kingdom: atop all the carcasses imprinted with his chop marks.

B_$: I’ll repeat: he karate-chops the horn off of a bull. Possibly the greatest feat a man can imagine. How many of us have dreamed us karate-chopping a bull into submission? All of us – that’s how many. I don’t even think PETA could argue against the sheer godliness of that scenario. Sonny Chiba, you are a legend. I can’t wait for next year’s “Karate AIDSfighter.” It’s sure to be a knockout.

Conan the Barbarian – Arnold Schwarzenegger vs. Snake
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2gj2fxKxfIc

JBot: I would be willing to bet the future producers of “Anaconda” watched this clip and thought to themselves, “How could we have a bigger snake on a lower budget?” The figure in their head may have been approaching $10 at this point. Although it would be fun to stab a snake in the neck, watch it get pinned to a wall, hack off its head, and then watch it still slithering back half intimidate a half-naked woman. Sometimes you have to wonder whether smoking pot is required to be a screenwriter.

B_$: Back when Schwarzenegger was still “Ah-nold,” and before he was “Ah-nold I Made ‘Last Action Hero’ And Still Convinced The Californian Public To Elect Me Governor,” he was kickin’ ass as Conan. Back then, and still today, there was and is nothing cooler than watching a muscular man in a loincloth beat the shit out of a cheaply-made puppet. He goes to fucking town on that snake! And if I know anything about good old Ah-nold, he went to town on that naked chick too. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if his love-making was identical to his fighting style. Now I kind of feel bad for that chick.

Zombie – Zombie vs. Shark
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSPG9QQg4C0

JBot: When I think of bad-ass, I think of two things, zombies and sharks. Needless to say, this clip should have been the sole nominee for an eternity worth of Oscars for the category of Bad-Ass. If there was a single element that could have made this better, it would have been the inclusion of ZOMBIE SHARKS.

B_$: Woah there, Skipper. Zombie Sharks? There’s only so much awesomeness the human mind can take. Even the idea of a zombie fighting a shark is enough to give a man a throbbing erection. Seeing said idea onscreen sustains that erection for the duration of the scene and upwards of 20 hours after. If this movie included zombie sharks, a man’s erection would become so intense that it would explode, erupting hot cock sauce in torrents and impregnating every feminine person and item in the room. This would include my roommate and his insatiably homosexual love of Hannah Montana.

Ace Ventura: When nature Calls – Jim Carey vs. Fake Rhino
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7LrMoLba0c

JBot: Although not technically an animal, the fake rhino that “births” Jim Carey is by far, the best Man vs. Animal scene ever recorded to film. It is so good, that I am considering building and navigating a fake rhino around the city as my main form of transportation from now on. Jim Carey, I salute you in your triumph over every species of animal; even the fake ones.

B_$: ‘Nuff said. Carrey strikes a second time, proving beyond a doubt that he is the king of comedy. I don’t know that I’ve ever laughed so hard in my life as I did at this scene. Good for you, Jim, and have a fun time explaining that one to your kids.