The 10 Worst Beer-Shit Beers

10. Old English

Although it’s nearly impossible to trace down one aspect of this quality beverage that wrecks your anus; the wreckage is inevitable. A few 40 oz bottles in a few hours and you’re sure to regret it in the morning. Not necessarily proven, it is widely believed that there is a certain acid in the human stomach that can convert malt liquor into gooey fecal substance in a matter of minutes.

Consistency: Somewhere between chocolate pudding and a fudge-cicle.

9. Schmidt’s Light

Any beer that’s been referred to as “Schmidt’s Gay” at one point will certainly make your stomach feel as though it’s been violated with a “Schmidt’s rubber fist.” That tight feeling in your gut that makes you wonder whether it’s stuck in or about to come out is sure to follow a “Schmidt’s” night. Make sure you’ve got a garbage can handy; just in case.

Consistency: Harder, small pellets. Think rabbit poop.

8. Tilt/Sparks

Whoever had the idea to combine energy drinks and beer should be heralded both as a genius and hanged as the single biggest threat to our sphincters. Unlike regular beer, which certainly has its share of drawbacks, these “energy beers” will make you believed you’ve just applied hot-sauce laced hemorrhoid cream. Combine this with a hangover, and you’re in for a hell of a morning.

Consistency: Oatmeal. Thanks to the orange color, it may slightly resemble hot sauce.

7. (Expired) Bud Light

Before we go any further, you may be asking yourself, “How does one get their hands on expired Bud Light?” Direct yourself to a bar called Malarkey’s in Storm Lake, Iowa, on any Wednesday night. You will be introduced to a new definition of pain, usually no more than just a few hours after consumption. Explosive in nature, many have fallen to the wrath of this beer while still inside the bar (on a related note, avoid this bathroom at all costs). On the upside, this beer is worth the whole nickel that you paid for it.

Consistency: Sometime referred to as the “chocolate shotgun.” Runny and explosive.

6. Gluek

If you haven’t heard of this delightful beer, do yourself a favor and go the nearest liquor store and bitch them out for not having a case (it’s pretty much guaranteed that they won’t). While delicious and smooth going down, it comes out quite the same, with one tiny side effect; there’s little to no control over when this will happen. You could be anywhere: on a bar stool, on the dance floor, passed out on your couch. You just don’t know. Consume carefully.

Consistency: Appears much like dirty tap water. In fact, be wary next time someone hands you a glass of brown water, you can never be completely sure.

5. Steel Reserve (High Gravity)

Described by many simply as “Steelies,” one should analyze what situation led them to be drinking such a monstrosity. Immediately recognizable, not so much by the silver and red can, but by the awful stench that fills the nostrils once opened, this beer is the fastest acting of the bunch. Practically no sooner than it slides down your throat, it is ready to exit. This beer made the list not for the severity of release, but for the horrific experience before the release and the swiftness of action.

Consistency: Frighteningly similar to the look and feel of the actual beer. Try not to think about where they actually get the beer.

4. Natural Ice

The choice of many college students based solely on price, this beer exudes class. I’m a firm believer that cases of this beer should include a discount colonoscopy coupon. Stumping scientists for years, several cans of this somehow produce its own slime to worm its way out of your colon and into a fresh pair of underwear. This also deserves special notice as one of the smelliest stools one can possibly leave for your roommate on Sunday morning.

Consistency: Imagine brown play-dough soaked in melted butter.

3. Ice House

Ice House comes to us from the historic Plank Road Brewery. Although no direct correlation exists, I am convinced that the Plank Road Brewery used to be a water treatment facility. In a bold and dynamic move, the makers of Ice House may have actually reverse engineered this beer based on the shit it eventually produces, which comes out much like a 2×4.

Consistency: Hard, splintery. Keep some tweezers and a good friend near by.

2. Busch Light

Not necessarily the first name on everyone’s lips when it comes to this list, it is almost impossible to overlook. Although not a fan myself, it is my understanding that there are certain towns that serve strictly Busch Light (see Cascade, Iowa). Similar to expired Bud Light in the morning, the main difference can be found in the lumpiness of the final product. Anyone who had spent a Tuesday morning discovering what it’s like to pass packing peanuts though your ass knows what I’m talking about.

Consistency: Ground beef stew. Not as tasty.

1. Milwaukee’s Best Ice

Known affectionately as “the Beast,” Milwaukee’s Best Ice takes the coveted crown as Worst Beer-Shit Beer. Hard yet soft, constipated yet explosive, this beer will be as confusing to your insides as scrabble is to President Bush. You better be prepared for a long day, as it’s wise to spend the majority of it on the throne. You will inevitably lose control and experience what is bound to feel like a softball exiting your anus. Grab yourself a Maxim and a leather wallet; you’ve just signed your day away.

Consistency: Nerf basketball. Complete with neon colors.

- JBot

36 responses to “The 10 Worst Beer-Shit Beers

  1. I love Nadi and hate Mtown.

  2. I too have dumped a nerf basketball in my day…however it came from drinking too much and then in fact…eating a nerf basketball.

  3. Yet another highly sophisticated article delivering a healthy dose of “truthification”, which similar to (Expired) Bud Light for but a mere nickel blows your mind, then your bowels

  4. your youth prevents you from experiencing the originators of the authentic beer craps. Oh what I would give to see the results of a night of Schlitz, which is the politically correct version of shits and Old Pyle- brewed in “god’s country ” also creator of yours truly. Although I have noted a newer version of Old Style, however a re-make is never as good as the original.
    An one cannot forget Hamms – from the land of sky blue waters – which are no longer sky blue from all those fishermen indulging and letting it out on the lakes.

  5. At first I hated this blog, but any blog that can slyly diss our president is good to me. So I changed my mind. “good” visuals.

    P.S. I think ShinMo’s comment is almost better than the blog. Just throwing that out there!

  6. Busch will always top my list.
    I’ll always tell myself “I just need to fart.” to avoid the inevitable trip to the shit can but every time I tell myself that, I pull that book of match closer and closer. It’s an incredible amount of work to walk away from a Busch Light shit without feeling filthy as sin. An excellent read. I wish it would make me think twice about drinking certain beers on the list but…a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.

  7. natural Ice is trash ..every time it turns my shit red and the runs and shit stink

  8. Canadian beers give the worst beer shit ever. Try Black Label, not the whiskey.

  9. made the mistake of reading this while hungover. I laughed so hard I beer shit my bed.

  10. I would agree on a few of these Beers but not the #1 ranking. In my namy years of beer consumption a lot of beers have “blown” my guts out in the toilet but not as bad as one in particular…..Coors Extra Gold!!! I don’t even think Coors makes this beer anymore but my GOD was it the worst the next morning! One or two of ‘em was fine but three or more and nt even Imodium AD was able to plug you up! If anybody ever drank this beer and had the same dreadful experience as me, let meknow! I don’t think I’m alone in ths one.

  11. I haven’t laughed so hard in while. Hamms was a really great poop inducer. It’s overly carbonated foam head flowed directly from your mouth through your stomach and out your anus. It was like stinky brown sea foam running down your legs.

  12. Wanna know what’s funny? I had 2 cans of milwaukee’s best ice last night (32 oz) and I’m on the shitter right now reading this on my blackberry!

  13. I’ve only had Beast a couple times in college and from what I recall, it wasn’t all THAT bad. Bud Light takes the crown for me… it might actually taste better expired!

  14. Check out yuengling lager. Great beer, terrible anus aftermath. Wet under cooked beef stew look. Good shit..

  15. Pingback: A Short List of Annoying People « rumination

  16. Bud ice will have me running to the shitter all day. It’s funny how my ass fires more shotguns than I do.

  17. What?? No Genny (Genesee) Beer or Cream Ale?? The Genny shts are legendary in Upstate New York… But the Hamm’s and Schlitiz references do bring back (awful, smelly) memories!

  18. I have been drinking beer for a long time and have gone through many phases which led me to be a “Beer Snob” cause I can afford good beer now. However, the one beer I found to be the most wretched tasting (cold or warm), fast or slow, fresh or not and mostly coming out is indeed Schell’s out of New Ulm, MN

  19. milwaukees’s will make you so misrabel i don’t even touch that shit beer i drink guinness one of the worlds best beers. Sure guinness gets me feeling good and sometimes makes me sick in the morning from over drinking like 18 beers or more, But guinness is my favriot beer!

  20. The shit (no pun intended) you find on the net…

  21. Funny article….. I think it’s funny, someone who makes mistakes in their writing, making fun of a president playing scrabble…any president would destroy you. Hypocrite

  22. you think old English is one of the worst beers??? What is wrong with u, look at any of the 40s pages on the net and you’ll find out OE 800 can be the top of the heep and for you to strike out at one of Americas favorite 40s is simply wrong and hence the rest of your article is worthless blather that wouldn’t educate a caveman. so I went from top to the bottom only reading a single line.

    OE800 Rocks, unlike this shatty site!

  23. Yeah, I find that all pretty accurate. Lost plenty of good underwear do to many of these beers. Great to wash down the Olestra laced Doritos with, for a in & out colonic irrigation.

  24. This information is accurate. The next day after drinking old Bud Light, you can expect spending 50% of your day in the bathroom and your butt being sore.

  25. Loved the article but pabst blue ribbon should have made the list. It won a blue ribbon but not for taste!

  26. this webpage stands testament to the achievements of mankind

  27. UK Suggestion – Magners Pear Cider on a 2 day empty stomach, shat meself within 40 minutes of drinking 3 pints, this was prior to attending an Arsenal soccer match ironically. FACT

  28. FYI : malt liquor is not classified as a beer (beer contains hops)… And in my opinion, these beers listed have more rice in the ingredients than grain so hardly qualify as a beer anyway. For the love of Pete, beer should have some flavor!

  29. I’m a beast fan. pop four tums and you wont be pissing out ur ass.

  30. I’ve indulged in many of these crappy beers, but Hamm’s is gar and away the worst. it’s reincarnation recently appeared in my area, and at $14.95 for a 30-pack, what’s not to like? I’ll tell ya what’s not to like: immediate gut-wrenching ejection. it goes in, poisons your stomach and intestines, and shoots right out. And God forbid you should drink two or three (I know – it took me a while, and for or five cans, to realize that what I thought was from leftover chicken soup that had been in the fridge a little too long actually was this toxic beer). Seriously, there is no way out could have such an immediate effect, and come out exactly as it went in, unless it’s spiked with ethylene glycol.

  31. Personally, I think Mountain Crest is at the top of the beer shits list. I’m on the toilet from it as we speak.

  32. Has anyone experienced green poop after drinking The Steel Brewing Company’s Steel Reserve BlackBerry flavored “beverage”, (and I’m using that term very loosely)?

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