Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?

No, you didn’t set foot into some strange time portal that whisked you back to 1996. No, I’m not doing my best Paula Cole impression either. I’m talking about the absence of real men from our society these days. Real, manly, men.

Predictions for the weeks immediately following the “Economy Stimulus Plan”

Recently, congress passed an “Economy Stimulus Plan” to revive the slouching economy. Singles that make less than $75,000 and couples that make less than $150,000 after adjusted taxes will receive a check for up to $600 or $1200 respectively (only those who filed taxes for 2007 are eligible). Additionally, each dependent filed on tax form will result in an additional amount added to the check. I predict that after these checks have been received (anticipated in late May or early June) several things will happen.

The Bowling Factor

We’ve all been bowling. It’s an American past time; a great family-oriented, fun-filled night (or day) of fun. Some of the greatest athletes of our times have emerged off the professional bowling circuit. I know I, on more than one occasion, have day-dreamed about how glorious it would be to appear on the cameras of ESPN2 during the Pro Bowling Association championships.

figure A

Having said that, we’ve all been in the fairly uncertain predicament of deciphering that smile flashed by the cute girl in the next game, or the infamous mouthing of “that one was for you,” complete with finger gun (see figure A) from the guy across the alley. Well friend, do not fear; as usual, there is a scientific formula to help us determine if that special girl or guy is worth your time. Let’s take a closer look:

Fights of the Century

When the money’s on the line, it’s time for the stars to shine.  The gloves are off, and it’s an all-out brawl.  Only the strongest will survive, and the weakest will go home – bloodied, bruised, and shamefully humiliated.  I’ve pitted the best of the best against each other, and the forecast calls for pain.  BIG pain!

Vince Neil vs. Vince Young

One’s a rock-and-roll icon, the other’s an upstart football phemon.  This battle’s outcome gains the winner sole property of the name “Vince.”  Young has the physical edge, what with being a super-ripped athlete, but Neil brings the crowd and knows how to rock an arena.  Refereed by, of course, Vince McMahon, this fight promises hard-hitting punches and a killer soundtrack.

B_$‘s Winner: Vince Young – Young comes in hard and fast with a relentless offensive attack while a semi-comatose Neil screams like a woman (on pitch, if you believe it).  When the dust clears, the Titan of the Titans stands atop a fully-comatose, rocked-the-fuck-out Neil, who will need many appointments with Dr. Feel-Good to get back on his feet.

JBot’s Winner: Vince Neil – I’m basing this decision solely on the fact that if Vince Neil isn’t dead yet, nothing can kill him. I predict he will show up to the fight with blonde hair fully feathered. An awe-struck Young will have no recourse and be taken back by the retro/overweight style of Neil only to end up on the receiving end of a microphone stand to the cranium. As the fight draws to an end, Young can be overhead saying, “Who is that guy? No, seriously, I’ve never heard of him.”

The 10 Worst Beer-Shit Beers

10. Old English

Although it’s nearly impossible to trace down one aspect of this quality beverage that wrecks your anus; the wreckage is inevitable. A few 40 oz bottles in a few hours and you’re sure to regret it in the morning. Not necessarily proven, it is widely believed that there is a certain acid in the human stomach that can convert malt liquor into gooey fecal substance in a matter of minutes.

Consistency: Somewhere between chocolate pudding and a fudge-cicle.

Warning! Your Freedom is in Danger!!!

Attention everyone reading this post at this moment in time: you are two seconds away from losing everything that’s important to you. Your freedom, your liberty, your care-free American lifestyle, your TiVo, your Big Macs, your goddamn Celebrity Fit Club – it’s all about to go up in smoke. There are things out there that want nothing more than to strip you of these precious things, things that make life worth living. And I’m not talking about terrorists or government conspiracies. The things I’m discussing are in your daily lives: at the office, on your television, perhaps even in your own home. Don’t worry: I’m here to give you the heads-up on these threats so you can watch your ass. And your balls. You’re gonna want those later.

1. Kathy Griffin – She’s out there, day in and day out, lowering the comedy standards of the American public. People are now so confused about what’s funny and what’s not that they are actually rewarding this lady. That’s right – we’re celebrating someone whose main comedy vehicle is derived from pointing out how unpopular she is. And we gave her an Emmy. Watch out for this snake in the grass. Before you know it, she’ll be guest-appearing on Last Laugh ’08, and the only ones laughing will be the terrorists.

An open letter to musicians of today

I’m only smiling because I can’t find my box cutter

Dear Mr. Kingston,

I would like to personally thank you for urging a generation of already drugged-up, eye-liner wearing, cheese-dick teenagers to commit suicide. I’ll repeat that: commit suicide. Yes, apparently in the world of today is some “beautiful girl” leaves your fat ass (which is inevitable), you’re supposed to kick the pickle. Hey, you could always try guys if these “beautiful girls” are giving your problems.
Look, I’ve spent a good amount of time trying to forget high school, so PLEASE stop reminding me just how stupid everyone in the institution is. Next time I hear your song blaring out of the window of a ’92 Corolla while I sit idly behind it at a green light because the driver can’t figure out how to put down her cell phone and step on the gas, I just might consider taking your advice and become “suicidal.”